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"For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart" - 1 Samuel 1:27 - a Bible passage that reflects my pregnancy journey since 2017. The past two years has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. From going through a stillbirth in 2017 to what seem like to longest awaiting journey to finally, this pregnancy journey that I am sharing with you all. If you remember, back in early 2017, I announced that we were expecting our second child as planned. We were excited to share the news after making it through pregnancy "safe zone" which is the first trimester. We were elated as we counted down to less than four mouths to meeting our baby. Unknown to us that that journey will be cut short at around 20+ weeks (5 months) pregnant.
I vividly remember that somber Wednesday afternoon. We were at the doctor's office for our scheduled routine ultrasound. As I laid down while the ultrasound technician attempts to find the heartbeat (the usual process), there was this sudden silence before she excused herself to get the attending Doctor. Immediately, my heart sank and I knew something wasn't right; but at the same time, I was not expecting the worst. After the doctor walked in, the technician and she attempted to listen again. I could see the worry on the doctor's face. The room was so silent that you could hear every breath and heartbeat in the room. The only heartbeat that we anticipated was not audible. The next thing we heard was from the Doctor who stood there with a doleful face was, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I immediately went blank, I couldn't alter a word, no tears...I was shocked! Few minutes or seconds later, I screamed Noooooo! This is not happening. That moment changed our lives for good. They say that experiences changes you and this one certainly changed my outlook in life for good.
Phewwww! Typing this is still so hard. It feels like it was yesterday. That day, weeks, months after were the toughest moment of my life. I lost a lot of interest in so many things that I wanted or planned to do. I tried coping by engulfing myself in work and staying busy. I searched through internet, babycenter site, social media in search of women who have gone through a similar experience -- I was in search of hope. Thanks to a wonderful partner, husband, family, and friend for being my rock. I couldn't imagine going through this experience without my wonderful husband. We were each other's rock. We encouraged each other, cried and prayed together. I am thankful to my amazing friends who called me every day, texted, visited and found ways to keep me distracted without asking for anything in return.
I feel the need to share my story in hope that it will help someone else going through the same situation or anyone looking for someone as a symbol of hope because that was me at that moment. Fast forward to last year, you can imagine our joy when we found out that we were expecting again, which felt like the longest wait. This journey has been filled with excitement, but also anxiety of the unknown. Due to my anxiety from prior pregnancy loss, I choose to keep this pregnancy private until now. It wasn't easy because each day, milestone and doctor's visit was filled with mixed emotions: excitement, nerve wrecking and anxious. Today, I can finally breath a sign of relieve knowing this journey ended with joy as I feel the heartbeat of my miracle baby on my chest. "For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart" - 1 Samuel 1:27
I want to continue to connect with you through this avenue to share my story and journey. Stay tuned as there are more to come. If you are going through some type of child loss and need someone to talk to, please email me and direct message me on Instagram. I hope that by sharing my story, it helps someone out there just like others have helped me. I also welcome any questions or anything you will like me to share. I will be doing Q&A video on my YouTube Channel. Please send me any questions and leave comments below.
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